hatestheinternet

Knight Rider 2008

Ever since the back door (heh) pilot aired last year, I found myself, along with many who had fond memories of the original, anxiously awaiting the return of Knight Rider to my weekly television schedule. After getting a few episodes under my belt, all I can say is that when they release season 1 on DVD, I hope the pilot's on a seperate disc so I can take the rest, set them on fire and bury them in my backyard. Then urinate on them.

The original recipe for Knight Rider was dirt simple:  David Hasselhoff drove around in a souped up white trash sports car sticking up for the little man with occasional help from Bonnie Barstow (KITT's technician) and Devon Miles (the stodgy British head of the Foundation for Law and Government).  Somehow, through all of this, Knight Rider managed to remain watchable, not even when April Curtis replaced Bonnie or when RC 3 joined the team towards the end did the show jump the shark.  In that respect, the new series trumped the old one.  And how.

First of all, the dream of Wilton Knight and the idea behind FLAG's Knight Rider program was that one man could make a difference.  Under that mission statement, where does a room full of assholes (read: unlikable, cliched characters) spouting supposedly witty banter at one another while their meal ticket faces certain doom fit in?  If these characters were in any way interesting and didn't behave exactly as you'd expect them to, this might be tolerable, but honestly, the nerdy guy desperately pining for the "hot" Asian girl who teases him in return?  Give me a break.

Also, something I've noticed, is that for some stupid ass reason, the Shelby Mustang GT500KR that is KITT is capable of changing himself into a Ford F150 FX4.  The F150 FX4 has a curb weight of 5452 pounds while the GT500 weighs a paltry 3920 pounds.  I know that all Ford makes well are trucks, but couldn't they have KITT turn into a Ford Ranger or something that doesn't have almost twice the mass?  This is such a stupid idea I couldn't even find an example on YouTube.

Almost as ridiculous as KITT's furniture hauling mode is the new attack mode.  That's right, folks, KITT now has the one element that both Bonnie and April overlooked: At the simple push of a button he turns into a ricer, complete with underglow!  The only thing missing is the big H.  I think he might pack heat as well, but I'm usually too busy cleaning up the mess I made pissing myself laughing to notice.

All that aside, one piece of this show works remarkably well: The decision to use Val Kilmer as the voice of KITT.  Mr Feeney might have had a distinct and somewhat fitting voice, but the complete and utter lack of any emotion or conviction in Val Kilmer's speech has finally prooved a boon to something.  Hats off on that one.  If Sydney Tamiia Poitier is still a lesbian, hats off to that one too.  In every other way, this show sucks.

At least Glen A Larson is still alive so various cemetary workers don't have to clean up the mess he makes spinning in his grave.